Truth Be Told. I Want To Know.

I accidentally stumbled upon his blog. I was quite shocked but at the same time glad that at least there's a place for me to read about him and whatever that he wrote and wherever that he lead me to. I bookmarked it.

I saw him just now as I was driving. I was fcuking surprised but at the same time glad because I have been thinking about him lately. He popped up in my head quite often, things always reminds me of him. Since he's musically inclined and I am more or less the same, whenever I listen to songs, I'd certainly thought about him. I know Im seriously hopeless. Im weak. I dont keep up to my words. Im a wuss.

I went back there again today. The more I read about it, the more confused I feel. I feel sick and I can feel my stomach churning clockwise and anti-clockwise. I feel like Im so out of this world, so out of place that I think I only deserve this blog to mark my own sadness.

My eyes were suddenly drained in tears and I was crying for a bit as I was reading through my posts in which trying to comprehend if his posts were talking about me. How naive of me. I wonder to myself... Is it because I feel flattered? I wonder if he does give a damn about me, why he hasnt been calling? Why he didnt show? Why he acted calm? Why not personally? Am I not personal to him? Am I just another target for his ways of publicity that he's doing?

Im mad at him because he didnt call. Because he didnt say anything. Because he acted nonchalently. Because he is being such a wimp. Because he is being such denial for himself and for me. It's not fair.

Maybe I dont deserve this. I dont deserve anything.

I deserve to go away from here.

Maybe it is a good thing that Im going away from this place.

[theraphy]
Ayumi Hamasaki - Teddy Bear