In His Room.

I walked into the room discreetly. There were many cds and cd folders nicely stacked on the two shelves. Resembles him alright as he is musically inclined. The room is kind of narrow and there were a table and a fully equipped pc on it. I was stalking him. I was afraid that someone might come into the room.

I peeked through the door, he's outside. I saw him. I miss him.

Then I woke up. Blurred. Stoned. Daunted.

I cried alone on my bed.

Why must I always dream of him?

Touch Me.

cuz Im horny.

My hormones are running wild. Help.
Is there a drug that slows them down?

[music]
Title : After 8
Artiste : Unknown.. actually I dont know.

Justify My Love.

I wanna kiss you in Paris
I wanna hold your hand in Rome
I wanna run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
You put this in me
So now what, so now what?

Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love

Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love

I want to know you
Not like that
I don't wanna be your mother
I don't wanna be your sister either
I just wanna be your lover
I wanna be your baby
Kiss me, that's right, kiss me

Yearning, burning
For you to justify my love

What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Talk to me
Tell me your dreams
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories
I'm not afraid of who you are
We can fly!

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby

I'm open and ready
For you to justify my love
To justify my love
Wanting, to justify
Waiting, to justify my love
Praying, to justify
To justify my love
I'm open, to justify my love

by Madonna

By Myself.

I was like in-out-in-out-in-out within a second. A slight amount of blood was spotted. It's okay. I was high on my own. Pleasure is the word.

[music]
Hole - Heaven Tonight

How Bizarre.

We were at a restaurant. I was with my friends. He was with a guy friend too. He came over to me and swept me off my feet. He sang to me. He took my by the hand. He puts his arms around me. He said he likes me and kisses me lightly on the lips. He used his thumb to caress my lips gently and told me that he loves them. So pretty he said. He hugged me and talked to me normally with much interests. I was on cloud number nine.

Then I found out that I woke up in a surreal state of mind. I thought it really happened. I swear I could feel his breath and warmth. I swear it felt so real. I swear I felt love. It hit me, it didnt happen, it was just a dream.

I think too much of him.

[music]
The Corrs - Runaway

Prey.

I am going to light up a ciggarette and smoke my lungs out.

I hate to get up in the morning only to find out that my life is in a wreck. My life is in a mess. My life is so full of question marks. Full of predators and traitors.

Why cant I grow out of this phase? Why dont you let me? Why dont you just pass me by without leaving scars? Why dont you let me be? Why?

I need theraphy. I need drugs.

[music]
Mogwai - Golden Porche

Just This.

I am here to blog about my feelings for the past few days. For goodness sake, I am getting better. I am moving on. But I just feel like blogging about it.

For the past few nights, I have had complained of insomnia.

Outside wouldnt stop raining and drizzling. I switched on the air conditioner and standing fan. I dont know what I was doing, I want myself to get sick. I want to get really sick. I curled up with the warmth of my comforter and bolster and platonic thoughts of how we would engaged outselves in passion. What I did was just rolled myself over to the left and right side of my bed trying hard not to think about him, trying to sleep, trying to do away with my own depression and worries thats been bugging me.

Yes, I am still experiencing sleepless nights. I guess I just miss him.

How I wish that I could be invisible so that I could be around him and see what he's doing at that time. Why must I always have dreams about him and see him every night. It was so surreal. I want to be able to see him. To know how he is doing now without me. Is he happy? Is he cheating? Is he feeling what I was feeling? I so desperately want to see him. I want to hold him and I want to just cuddle up with him in his warm embrace.

If he is cheating, fine. I could cry a river, I could weep and shout his name and ask myself why. At least I have settled it once and for all. I could just cut my bleeding heart out and then carry on.

Damn, he's the only ______ guy that I seriously like and the only one who could drive me up the wall and drive me nuttily crazy about him.

I think this song is THE song that describes me best. Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
It made me smile but then it made me cry as well. Initially I would smile while singing to it but after a while it made me cry so hard that I couldnt stop weeping.

With his sweet memories that he gave to me, I could only cherish it and keep it to myself. One moment I was high from orgasm but the next moment it went all the way downhill. I cried, again.

What does the signs tell me? They tell me that it will not work, but somehow.. oh, damn my bleeding heart, I wont accept that it is not working out. I am still holding on to it. Mind over matters. There is a will, there is a way. I just dont think that we cant work things out. If only he would want to give it a chance, just give it a go.

I just cant bring myself to think that it is (almost) over. He is not (that) worth it.

It ends the day you dont understand.

[theraphy]
Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee

Darlin' I can't explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it's drivin' me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I'll guarantee
That I'll never let you go

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how you get things back
The way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I'm down on bended knee
I'll never walk again until you come back to me
I'm down on bended knee

So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know I don't need to be alone
When I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me

Gonna swallow my pride
Say I'm sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don't ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirit of love
It can heal all things
We won't hurt any more
No I don't believe our love's terminal
I'm down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Wanna build a new life
Just you and me
Gonna make you my wife
Raise a family

Wishful Thinking.

by Duncan Sheik

Listen to the waves,
Everything communicates
Will it ever be
Anything more than wishful thinking?

Oh no there you go
Looked away and missed the show
how much wasted time
Will you survive?

Feel the blades of grass
How it brings you back
it will always be
Only as green as you can see

Oh yeah fooled again,
I don't know how and I don't know when
Not much else to blame
But wishful thinking

Little breakdowns
In coastal towns.
They come suddenly
Crashing over you.
They come easily.
I'm falling through the skies
And frozen places

And I try to realize
That I needn't look any further
the whole of the universe
Is plain to see
And I try not to rely
On another world or the future
The whole of the universe is a mystery

And it gets me over
Yeah, it gets me over

To Icky.

Looking outside of my window, staring into the green blankly, I can tell that it has been drizzling for the past few days. I feel cold outside. But I feel cold inside as well after the recent cold shoulder. Not good at all.

Thanks to Icky, Im currently listening to some metal love songs by His Infernal Majesty. Damn Icky, why must you always have to be the cool one with cool music tastes? :p But Im seriously concerned about you lately, hope you get well soon alright? And yeah, why must we girls always feel the confusion and bitterness when all we wanted is to be able to fall in love, to fall madly in love with someone that we really like? Sigh.

On a slightly brighter note, I will be going to a gig later on. Check out Icky's page for more details. It going to be fun, the least to say.

Allow me to dedicate this song for her. In turn, thanks for the lyrics. I could relate to that as well.

Sweet Pandemonium by HIM
Today tomorrow seems so far away
In the waiting lane, yeah
So safe, in the blinding light of love unchained
In yesterday's grave, yeah

The truth I can sense so sweet
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

Afraid that everything remains unchanged
In this fragile dream, yeah
Ashamed of the shattered remains
Of promises made, yeah

The truth I can sense so sweet
Is buried within sweet pandemonium
Concealed by disbelief
The riddle stays veiled in sweet pandemonium

Trying by the enduring dream
Faith by the enduring dream
The secret cries for worrying
Now we're sinking deep in sweet pandemonium

Just One Night.

After listnening to this song from The Corrs. I cried.

One Night by The Corrs
Long day and I'm ready
I'm waiting for your call
'Cause I've made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger
And I want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night
Is it all right
That I give you

My heart, my love, my heart
Just for one night
My body, my soul
Just for one night
My love, my love
For one night
One night, one night

When morning awakes me
Well I know I'll be along
And I feel I'll be fine
So don't you worry about me
I'm not empty on my own
For inside I'm alive

That for one night
It was so right
That I gave you

My heart, my love. my heart
Just for one night
My body, my soul
Just for one night
My love
I loved for one night
One night, one night

For one night
It was so right
That I gave you

My heart, my love. my heart
Just for one night
My body, my soul
Just for one night
My love, my love for one night
We loved one night
One night, one night

Depression.

Im perpetually depressed, again.

What a sourpuss, am I not?

Just tell it to my face, wont ya?

Dammit, can you tell that Im fucking depressed?

I lid up ciggarettes and smoke the pack away.

Im suffocating myself with depression and I'd drown myself with tears.

I'm hurt.

Why must I always feel winter inside?

[theraphy]
Jeff Buckley - Forget Her