Free.

It was a drag to wake up in the morning. I felt so good sleeping naked under my comfy blankey and I kept churning well tossing and turning actually. I felt my own skin and I felt my own self. Godness delicious. It was so smooth and sensitive. I like to smell my own hair and how it feels like as it caresses the skin on my back. I get a lil horny whenever I wake up in the morning, and yes even at night after stripping myself before going to bed. I'd light up my scented candles and enjoy my own rhythm. I kept sneezing the whole morning. It was quite bad. My nose has been itching since yesterday. Must have been the fur of the pussycats that got into my nosestrils. Itchy itchy. On another thought, I wouldnt mind making out or making sweet love while having a flu. Is it just me or is it just the sex? Heh, what about you? Do you find it intimate or disgusting?


Anyhoo, I turned on the radio and I heard this song. Inspired me to wake up actually, good song indeed.


Free by Lighthouse Family.

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

I wish I could share
All the love that’s in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it feels to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I’d soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I sing cos I know how it feels to be free

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
And I wish I could say all the things that I wanna say

Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

One love one blood
One life you've got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sister, brother

One life but we're not the same
We got to carry each other
Carry each other

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

Safely Home.

I just wrote a fucking long post and you fucking blogger screwed up and lost my fucking post. I happen to appreciate my own thoughts and writings.

FUCK YOU.

Here goes.. the shorten redo version. Stress.

I just got home not long ago, had a quickie release in the laydees, changed to my yoga pants and here I am.

Blogging.

The house is as usual unpopulated and quiet.

Perhaps too quiet. I should be out having some sound blasting for my ears. I wanted that. I miss clubbing.

Dont remember the last time I was dancing the night away with out without a partner. I dont care, I just wanna dance. But usually I dance alone anyway because my friends seems to be too stiff to dance and just wanna experience the whole clubbing scene. Okay, I shall not be flamboyant about my dancing skills.

But I just hate to be paying for the goddamn cover charge. Its not worth the money. I'd rather pay that amount of money for some Re-Generate party or something. And I also hate to smell my hair after that because of the endless sweating and well, basically the smell of it. It stinks and I have to wash it the next day.

Im saying that so that Im not regretting for now dancing away in a club right now. Hah.

why do I have all the peacefulness when I wanted to have some noises for my ears? and why do I have all the sound pollution when I wanted to have some peacefulness?

The perks of the day was perhaps that I got to wash my filthy car since two or maybe three weeks ago. I feel a lil accomplished. Watched Shallow Hal, CSI, Sex and The City and some movie starring Snoop Dogg on astro. Oh and stuffing down some wedges for my belly's sake.

I bought a pack of 20s, smoked some and I felt a lil shakey while driving back home just now. It was probably not because of the fags, but I guess I was feeling cold, alone and a lil shakey. Was trying to stay alert on the road, look out for the traffic and to stay focus.

Thank god I got home safely.

Today was a lil slow, hung out with a guy friend the whole day. Thanks to him, I found him while looking through some high sch mags. That guy has got one whole collection of yearbooks man.

He looks so much better now. But I probably cant picture him anyway. It was just so brief. There were dimmed lights behind him, that makes him look darker. I was thinking about him. I miss the smell of his hair, his sweet kisses, hugs. Well, okay fine, Lust. Put it that way. Hormones you know? Hormones.

Im just glad that I got home safely without hesitating to come back home although it is too quiet now in the house.

[sonicbites]
Jason Mraz - You and I Both

Jason's dreamy eyes reminds me of him. Lalalalala.

Wank me.

I want to wank so bad, I need you to stay with me.

I need to have a rush of blood to the head.

Haha.

[sonicbites]
Kylie Minogue - Slow

Breathe.

I shouldnt put myself down. I've got so much to offer. But people are just blind about it. I just want to be on my own. Please let me be.

Worthless Promises.

I played a few tunes on the guitar and I felt good about myself.
Oh there's one string missing but I still do fine without it.

I should just fuck him off my head. I can do this. I can do without him. I am better off myself. I dont mind being alone.

Really, I dont mind at all. Just dont bring me up and put me down for some lame excuses. Thats what you call "disappointment" and that wouldnt be a good sight or feel to it.

It sucks and it's sick.
It's just not fair.

IF he can be unfair to me, I can be unfair to him too right? Since when my feelings were taken care of and I can do the same thing to him too.

Jept was on the phone and I asked him to bash him up verbally so that I wont have the urgency to call him. I should just fucking ponder about something else.

Like making good use of my time and my brain. Like picking up the guitar again and play until my fingers are sore and my skin starts to peel off.

I refuse to let boredom and nothingness to kill my brain cells.

[sonicbites]
Dream Theather - Burning My Soul

Sweet Dream.

I dont wanna leave, I dont wanna go, I dont wanna think about the negative things that you did to me.

Instead I yearn for the sweet moments that I was with you. I yearn for it to happen again. I want to be pampered. I want to be able to be with you. I want to be able to think about you.

I wont leave this bed and I wouldnt want to move a thing either. I dont want to risk forgetting all the things we did together. I dont wanna change my memory towards you.

Im living in this dream. Everywhere I see is you. Everywhere I go is you. Everything I think is you.

And I dont want to wake up from this dream.

Please dont make me.

[sonicbites]
Frou Frou - All The Waiting

Hall of Fame.. for a moment.

Thanks to my icky bitch for linking me.

When are we gonna smoke some, drink some, play some cards.. or perhaps play threesome? *grins*

Wuv you bitch! *smacks*

Sleep Away Pain.

Stomachache. Thats the kind of pain I'm in.

I refuse to have a heartache. Though I do think that I'm prone to that.

Damn diseases.

I'm sleepyyyyyyy. *yawn*

Fuck depression. Fuck sore throat.

Dammit, why these diseases coming back to me now?

Im going to sleep.

Happiness.

OH I felt good about myself.

Woohoohoooooo.

Laalalalalalaaaaa... lalalalalalalalalaaaaaa......... *twirls around*

[sonicbites]
Elliot Smith - Son of Sam

The Loo.

I've been to the loo numerous times and I lost track of counting anyways.

But damn bladder bro, what's up with you?

Ok, took a cup of regular coffee, should be damned if Im not awake studying away for the bleeding exams.

Another cup coming up.

But wait, that just explains why I've been going to the loo and all that!

*slaps*

Such dumbfuck.

Mellow me down with some Turin Brakes. Woohoo.

[sonicbites]
Turin Brakes - Feeling Oblivion

Frigid Whore.

I went out just now. Didnt get enough sleep. Got my friend a present, bought a pack of fags, some can soup, bread, a canister of pringles and a big box of strawberry ice cream. I needed that for the hot weather outside and to cool myself down. Just want to indulge myself with sweet things other than love. I think Ive had enough.

Okay, shall go back to studying now.

[sonicbites]
Thrid Eye Blind - Blinded

My Own Punishment.

I figured that the cutting myself and bleeding are just a punishment to myself. I shouldnt call. I shouldnt do what I shouldnt do. I shouldnt just ignore and be impudent to myself. Especially to my own goddamn needs.

The world owes me.

[sonicbites]
Guns n Roses - Sweet Child of Mine

Come on, MAKE ME STOP. Make me stop being his whore.

I called him. He was like, nothing. Nothing happened.

Nothing mushy. I wouldnt wanna start either. Since when we switched roles?

Okay, I cut myself just now. It was right after the phone call. And then I wrote 'scumbag' on my palm so that'll remind me of how an arse hold he is, how cold he had been towards me.

Damn my bleeding heart.. and bleeding wound.

A Whore's Misery.

Currently Im listening to one whole bunch of MP3s that was ripped specially for me by my ex. Nahh, Im not thinking about him.

Inside the cd, there are some songs from Gun n Roses, Green Day and most importantly Smashing Pumpkins. Feels so good to just listen to Billy Corgan's eccentric voice.

Suddenly I felt that it would be perfect if he showed up right in front of my house and then offers me a back massage. Damn neck is aching. But how nice it would be if he's here with me now. But does he feel the same about me too? Does he give a shit about that?

Just tell me if he thinks that Im just his leisure whore who'll succumb to his flirtations and seduction. If only that made him feel good, ok fine. Just tell me if Im just, yet another whore of his. Just tell me. Just tell me straight to the face. I want response. I want a piece of his mind. I dont mind.

What if Im just a whore? You just freaking tell me. At least I wont be wasting my time over you non potential customer.

I need to get a life and stop acting slutty and stop being his whore.

[sonicbites]
The Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love

Day 4.

I didnt get enough sleep again. The dark circles are really showing their colors. I got up, couldnt continue sleeping cuz my stomach was really causing pain, perhaps my heart too but then the next thing I did was, sweating it out in the toilet while trying to coax my feeble heart out of the pain that I was in.

Okay, stomachache, gone, heartache, remain.

So I took a shower, washed my hair and I found smudges of my nail polish. Wasted. Am still waiting for my hair to dry actually. My phone didnt ring the whole of yesterday and I'd reckon, today too.

I saw him online again. I was invisible, I didnt talk to him. I should start thinking about his bad points, what a loser he is, what a wanker he is, what a moron he is, what an idiot he is, what an arsehold he is, what a cunt he is, what a bastard he is. He should listen to the track that he introduced me to, which is Cardigan's Communication, thats exactly what I have in mind.

Ok, stop.

I'm wallowing in my depression state.

I dont want to binge on depression and excessive food eating habit. I cant stop picking up fags and light it up. Make me stop.

Stomachache again. Off I go to the loo.

[sonicbites]
The Smashing Pumpkins - Eye

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smashing Pumpkins - Eye

I lie, I wait
I stop, I hesitate
I am, I breathe
I meant, I think of me

Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough

I taste, I love
I come, I bleed enough
I hate, I'm not
I was, I want too much

Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amenesia.. again.

Self explainatory.

Day 3: Nothing. Zilch.

This bra is killing me. Damn.

[sonicbites]
Dido - Here With Me

Amnesia.

The heading pretty much explains itself.

My shoulders aching. Eyes sore. Back aching. Must have been online too much.

Nobody cares.

Need.. sleep..

[sonicbites]
Sarah McLachlan - Wait

I saw him online just now. I dont know if I should talk to him. Well, I didnt.

Now I have this thought in my head.
If he can go online as late as this, why cant he calls me? Didnt he said that he's tired and all that? Why cant he just gimme a call? Do I still matters to him?

De Profundis.

Yesterday I was so depressed that I almost smoke one whole pack of fags. I was listening to songs the whole day, singing along with depressing songs while doing nothing to my pending assignment and another 6 days' exams preparation.

What a slacker. I hate depression. It always haunt me.

Jeff Buckley is the mystery depressed boy.

Im suppose to follow my mom to meet up with this scottish dude who's 24 years old this morning. Obviously I need to get enough rest and sleep. But I didnt, I went to bed at 11 smth but then only managed to catch a glimpse of sleep around 1am.

I even got up around 5am. I dreamt about K. He called me out of a sudden and then the rest of the conversation, I cant remember. I even dreamt about my high school mates. I miss their company.

So I got out of my bed kind of late today.

During the time of tossing and turning to get some sleep, I was thinking about how he would touch me and how I would feel when he's around me. Im thinking about the whole making out scene again. Dammit. Its playing all over again.

I kept touching myself to feel good. Well, since he's not around. I would foreplay with him and all that. Oh how I miss that. I miss him.

I told the whole story to Jeff. Well, I really cant believe I told him that and Im not regretting now. I just cant believe it. Of all the people around me. But I guess I made the right choice cuz if I were to tell someone, I dont think there's anyone that can listen to this kind of crap. Nothing in details, I just use the word 'made out', thats all.

He understood and he told me to give him three days. If no calls, let him go.

I'll have to agree.

It seems like I like him more than he likes me. Its a one way ticket.

I know it deep down inside but I guess someone just need to give me a lil push, a lil motivation and a lil realization.

He's right.

Now, entering day 2 and still no signs of him calling me up.
No nothing. Zilch.

But if you'd ask me, I do miss him, alot.

[sonicbites]
Interpol - Obstacle

Some Velvet Morning.

My room is in such a mess. Im in a mess too.
My clothes are everywhere. I've got my accessories thrown here and there. My bottles of facial care and body care products. My papers, modules, files and books are everywhere in the room.

Aww, Im so fucked. I cant even start to clean up. I cant even bring myself out of the bed. I want sleep. Dammit, Im such a whiner.

Im supposed to make good use of the study break to study for my two final external papers, but remember the other day when I got two new novels with a really cheap price of 3.90 each? Yeah, I picked one up and started reading it.

And I still havent found my pencils and pens and everything in a pencil case of mine. Dammit, whos that bastard who took them away from me. Cibai.

I picked up my morning fag, again. Not good.

Im really screwed.

And now Im thinking of him again. Yeah, I didnt stop thinking about him after yesterday night. I do think that he's sexy.

I wonder when is the next time Im gonna get pampered by him.

[sonicbites]
Primal Scream - Detroit (feat. Jim Reid)

Sweet Temptation.

He did ask me to stay over, but how the hell am I going to tell my mom? I'd love to but my mother is an issue to this. I'd most definitely love to fall asleep in his arms and just being wrapped around by his warm arms and manly smell of him. I'd die of plain pleasure.

I hugged him so tightly and for so long. I cant even remember how long really. He tried to let go and I hugged him again. This time, thinking how much that I've missed him and hugged him tighter. Again, he tried to let go, and quickly I hugged him back and told him that I missed him alot. I really do.

Am I his whore? Am I being stamped 'Only For Pleasure'?

I'll have to admit, he wasnt that passionate about things. I'd just love to cuddle up with him. Im not asking for much.

Damn, why he pampared me like that? Sick. Now I'd be longing to be with him every moment, just to feel loved and in love. Just to be touched and feel. Just to cuddle up in sweet surrender. Just to be with him. Just his presence.

[sonicbites]
Sarah McLachlan - Posession

I finally gave him the card and *covers face* the embarassing hearts shape chocolate. Pfdt, he told me he doesnt take chocolate. Wasted fuck.

I woke up to the silence of the morning and I cant stop thinking about him after yesterday night.. after what happened yesterday night. Im so fucking tired. Its a rather wet morning, I can even feel the moisture in the air.

Oh yes, I was feeling that yesterday night. I was wet down there.

Yeah, we made out. Oh boy, I seriously cant believe it. That was like out third time meeting up. And we're seeing each other half naked! But I got to admit that he's a good kisser. I would love to kiss him from now on. I mean I would take the initiative, unlike the previous case.

I am really a whore.

But of all these good things, I have a tingly guilt in me for making out with him. I should and I should not. I have mixed feelings now. Damnit.

We do hold hands and hug each other, but I noticed, when the door of the lift opened, his hand slided away from my grasp. How weird is that? Perhaps its still new?

Im not even sure if we are a couple! Im such a dumbfuck.

[sonicbites]
Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Oww. Headache.

I didnt get enough sleep and Im dead tired.

Im thinking of him as well. Bugger, I got home late yesterday and I sms-ed him and he didnt reply, guess he was asleep by then. :/

I couldnt sleep anymore cuz the sun was rising, calling me and dragging me out of my comfy bed. What a whole lotta annoyance. I want SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP.

Bummer.

My piercing is swelling a lil bit. I can still feel the inflammation though. Hmm havent had that kind of pain in ages. Brings back memories. But I'll bet pain does really bring back smiles as well as sadness eh?

Rolling and tossing on my bed, trying to toss myself back to dreamland, I thought of him again. Sigh. I suddenly blurted out that I want him to touch me, to feel me and to nurture me. Oh boyyyyy... *shakes head*

Oh man, listening to The Cure is most depressing and I cant stop looping 'There is no if..' Gee.

This is going to be a L-O-N-G day. tsk.

[sonicbites]
The Cure - There Is No If

I kept looping Primal Scream's Miss Lucifer.

does that mean that I need to get jiggy with someone.

Hmmmm, Im thinking of him.

Damn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Primal Scream - Miss Lucifer

Skinny girl
Dressed in black
Leather boots
Nazi hat
Tattoed panther
Vampire cape
Sexy dancer
Magdalene grace

[CHORUS]
Shake it baby
Shake it baby
Shake it baby
Shake it baby

Skinny girl
Dressed in black
Leather boots
Nazi hat
Tattoed panther
Vampire cape
Sexy dancer
Magdalene grace

[CHORUS]

Panther girl
Take me home
Hip to hip
Bone to bone
Evil heat
All night long
Evil heat
All night long
All night long
All night long
All night long
All night long

[CHORUS]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was at 1stop just to get a bday pressie for a friend. Yay! I bought myself two books and they only costs 3.90 each. What a great deal.

Then I realized that I still havent had my lunch and what I had in the morning was just a fillet-o-fish. So I thought of having a hot dog.. then there were 1901 hot dog stall around. I bought the New York chicken hot dog.. and believe me, they're HUGE! :D

I was afraid that I might get another ticket for not putting money in the parking meter so I brought the hot dog with me thinking that I can have it in the car and besides it was about to rain too. I had no choice but to bring it to my car.

And while I was nicely enjoying my hot dog, a sms was delivered to me. I checked and it was him. He msged me. It reads: Do you love to have your clitoris liucked and sucked? What about masturbating? You like to watch a guy jerk off at the sight of your nude body? And what do you think about 69?

OH MY GOD! That got me laughing and nearly chocked on my huge hot dog that I was sucking it down my throat. Sheesh, vomit. :D

I replied him, acting innocent and all that. Cuz I thought what is this man, its pathetic. Ok I do admit that Im the one who started to talk dirty yesterday but this is too much. And he was acting all innocent so now, my turn. I thought he was at work. Then he replied again, saying "Nevermind". Hah, I knew it.

What a whole lotta crap.

I noticed Interpol's album out in stores. Now why do I have to think about him wherever I go and whatever I do. :/

Is this affecting me positively or negatively?

Placebo - Every me, Every you.

Sucker love is heaven sent.
You pucker up, our passion's spent.
My hearts a tart, your body's rent.
My body's broken, yours is spent.

Carve your name into my arm.
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.
Cuz there's nothing else to do,
Every me and every you.

Sucker love, a box I choose.
No other box I choose to use.
Another love I would abuse,
No circumstances could excuse.

In the shape of things to come.
Too much poison come undone.
Cuz there's nothing else to do,
Every me and every you.
Every me and every you,
Every Me.

Sucker love is known to swing.
Prone to cling and waste these things.
Pucker up for heavens sake.
There's never been so much at stake.

I serve my head up on a plate.
It's only comfort, calling late.
Cuz there's nothing else to do,
Every me and every you.
Every me and every you,
Every Me.

Every me and every you,
Every Me.

Like the naked leads the blind.
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.
Sucker love I always find,
Someone to bruise and leave behind.

All alone in space and time.
There's nothing here but what here's here's mine.
Something borrowed, something blue.
Every me and every you.

8-Nov-2003
19:00:05

Hewwo. im in the gents, 5th floor. sakit perutla...

9-Nov-2003
01:34:17

Dear.. im sorry.. :/ they dragged me to join them at kelawai road and i couldnt leave at all. can i call your house phone now? please dont be angry at me. you derserve to be but..

9-Nov-2003
01:36:08

let me at least speak to you before i go to bed. im tired and you saw that i was. if i had a choice i would have wanted you to be here at my place right now and make it up to you..

Hmmm he called and explained himself yesterday night. So being a real softie inside, I forgave him.

Sheesh, I cant wait another 6 hours.. garh! He's coming over to pick me up. Like this is the first time a guy ever make it to a point when dating me, he would come over to my place and pick me up. Garh, what a softie, I know I know *nods* :P

This is gonna be exciting!

Oh well, I didnt get enough of sleep after he called me yesterday. I was being a lil moody and all that at first, but then after talking to him for a while, I felt that there is no need to pretend that I dont care about him so I bailed out. Yeah, I did. What a loser.

But should I restrain this kind of feeling or should I just let it grow?
My worries are that I might not be able to concerntrate on my studies and that I wouldnt want to do that. Besides, if I let it grow, I want to give my 100 percent and that Im expecting him to do that as well. But can I live up to my own expectations and can I put up with his shites?

How much of respect do you have for me?
Why cant you just call me and just say whatever that you want to say?
Where is your sincerity?
How much do you care?
What about my feelings?
Dont you think that I care?
Oh yes I want you to call.
Ive been longing for your call.

But I guess you dont care anymore cuz you dont call since that day. I cant even remember when. Why? But I thought you were into me.. you were so, so excited about me and everything. You wanted to do things together.

But no, no more, not anymore. Nothing.

Im hurt.