Reminisce.

As dumb as I may look like right now, but Im staring at something and expressionless on my face.

I recalled watching a movie with him. I recalled we caught e/o's eyes while watching the movie. I recalled smoking at his house. I recalled the journey took ages just to see him. I recalled sampling some trance at his house. I recalled when he first walked towards my car. I recalled him looking at me while I was sipping my teh-o ais limau. I recalled I waited for him for 1/2 hour. I recalled driving him around. I recalled he stopped calling me. I recalled the silence. I recalled the stood-ups. I recalled the irresponsibility. I recalled the cold shoulders.

I recalled talking and singing myself to sleep yesterday. I was talking to him till I fall asleep. I was talking to myself imagining he's there with me. How pathetic.

Such wussy, am lonely.

My Plead.

I went back to Haloscan and checked out all the messages that he left, reading them keeps me happy I guess. On the next minute, somehow I ended up in his folder that I've created which contains emails that he sent to me. As I was reading them, particularly the last few emails and Winamp randomly was playing Sheila On 7 - Sephia which made me absolutely sad and my eyes were drained in tears and then they rolled down my cheeks. I felt sour-ness in my tongue and suddenly I felt that my throat is drained of air as I tried to hold back the tears. I cried for a little there.

Until this day and this moment, I have never stop wondering how the hell we ended up like this? What did I do wrong?

Deep down, I want this to work out, I seriously want to work it out.

I want to listen to him telling me this..

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
Cause I will be here.

I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we'll be together,
Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here.

I will be here, and you can cry on my shoulder;
When the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you.
And I will be here to watch you grow in beauty,
And tell you all the things you are to me;
I will be here.

I will be true to the promise I have made,
To you and to the One who gave you to me.

~ I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman

It has been way too long since the last time we see each other.

The truth is I miss you. Yeah the truth is that I miss you so.

Truth Be Told. I Want To Know.

I accidentally stumbled upon his blog. I was quite shocked but at the same time glad that at least there's a place for me to read about him and whatever that he wrote and wherever that he lead me to. I bookmarked it.

I saw him just now as I was driving. I was fcuking surprised but at the same time glad because I have been thinking about him lately. He popped up in my head quite often, things always reminds me of him. Since he's musically inclined and I am more or less the same, whenever I listen to songs, I'd certainly thought about him. I know Im seriously hopeless. Im weak. I dont keep up to my words. Im a wuss.

I went back there again today. The more I read about it, the more confused I feel. I feel sick and I can feel my stomach churning clockwise and anti-clockwise. I feel like Im so out of this world, so out of place that I think I only deserve this blog to mark my own sadness.

My eyes were suddenly drained in tears and I was crying for a bit as I was reading through my posts in which trying to comprehend if his posts were talking about me. How naive of me. I wonder to myself... Is it because I feel flattered? I wonder if he does give a damn about me, why he hasnt been calling? Why he didnt show? Why he acted calm? Why not personally? Am I not personal to him? Am I just another target for his ways of publicity that he's doing?

Im mad at him because he didnt call. Because he didnt say anything. Because he acted nonchalently. Because he is being such a wimp. Because he is being such denial for himself and for me. It's not fair.

Maybe I dont deserve this. I dont deserve anything.

I deserve to go away from here.

Maybe it is a good thing that Im going away from this place.

[theraphy]
Ayumi Hamasaki - Teddy Bear

Im currently listening to Jeff Buckley's Last Goodbye. Damn sad song lah.

And now marks the day that I meet up with this particular friend of mine Shan. Im going to change and then head to the venue that we've set. See you in a jiff. :)

Jeff Buckley---Last Goodbye
(J. Buckley)

this is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
but it's over
just hear this and then I'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

this is our last embrace
must I dream and always see your face
why can't we overcome this wall
well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all

kiss me, please kiss me
but kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
and did you rush to the phone to call
was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
saying maybe you didn't know him at all
you didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

well, the bells out in the church tower chime
burning clues into this heart of mine
thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
offer signs that it's over... it's over

I Found This.

Someone looked me up by typing in these words in a search engine.. which happens to be very funny!!

so kill me with the love that you wont give to me and pack that wound with salt i want to feel it bleed

buahahahahaa!

I am still alive.

Icky.. I dont know how to say this but I am grateful that you have been there for me when I needed you most.

I know it's sick to listen to ramblings and desires of a slut. I know I am a sorearse with guys juggling me titties like nobody's business. I hate that. Guys are just plain pathetic like you said. It's not like I go around fucking people. But they are the one who comes around fucking me up in the head. Lord, help.

Now, with the solitude that Ive gained from the tranquility of singlehood, I have been really thinking and hoping really hard that I would somehow, eventually, one day find that someone that is suitable for me. Someone who loves me the way that I am, plain and simple. As long as we have the chemistry and we put enough effort for each other, I think I'd be able to get married one day and have kids.

In the mean time, I'll wait. Oh yes I'll wait.

Why is it difficult to find someone lovable who loves ya back?

Im sick of meeting losers who dont put in effort who doesnt loves me back.

Sometimes Im scared.. as serious as I could have been shivering and shaking. I dont know what Im scared of. I think Im kinda scared of love.. after what happened recently. I could be scared of myself being out of control.. in love again.

It took me a good 13 minutes to get back from greenlane yesterday with the record of 110-120kmph on the scale while cutting in and out of lanes. When I got home, I thought that was scary.
It's just like me falling in love, I'd be speeding on putting effort in it and then when I somehow fall out of love, I trembled and then I got scared.

I never learn my lesson. I want to go home..

[sonicbites]
Matchbox 20 - Bright Lights